The Portus Report

13 Awesome Gigs on Friday 13th

2009-11-13T18:39:00.005Z

Trail of Dead (24th August 2001 - Main Stage, Temple Newsom, Leeds) - Unwittingly found myself in the mosh-pit, as one does. This was not long before the release of their magnum opus, Source Tags & Codes (That record hasn't aged a day) The set ended in chaos as the drum kit was trashed and then passed out to the crowd. It was an awesomely ferocious end to a jaw-dropping, powerful gig.
Ash (25th August 2001 - Radio 1 Tent, Temple Newsom, Leeds) - I think this was the second of three gigs I saw them at in close succession. I dunno why this one sticks in the memory more than the others, as I was way back in front of a packed second stage. There did seem to be an almost carnival-like atmosphere, at least where I was stood, no crushed ribs, just good times. They played a cover of Weezer's Only In Dreams - almost note for note - and gave Angel Interceptor a rare outing. I must've been kicked in the back of the head about fifty times, but after the gig I just couldn't stop grinning.
The Hives (Some time in 2001 I think - The Casbah, Sheffield) - This one was total shock and awe. They were on and off stage within about 20 minutes. I might've felt hard done by had it not been totally gratis. At this point, the braggado was quite refreshing and it wasn't clear that they really did have just the one riff. Ah, well.
Polyphonic Spree/Interpol/The Thrills (4th February 2003 - Rock City, Nottingham) - And the fourth band, who headlined, were none other than The Datsuns, who managed to piss off everyone in the space of one 10 minute outro. It was total guitar shop wankery. Anyhow, the other three were fantastic. Admittedly The Thrills formula wore off not long after this gig, and Interpol were much better when I saw them at Leeds, but the Polyphonic Spree were just, beyond superlatives. The singer, Tim something-or-other came onstage to Robin Hood, wearing the green cap of course. An exuberant set which included a brilliant cover of Bowie's Five Years.
Pretty Girls Make Graves/Blood Brothers (25th August 2003 - Joseph's Well, Leeds) - Great double header. I confess I didn't really listen to much of these two bands before or even after this gig. I didn't need to. To say that the records didn't do them justice would be something of an understatement.
Polysics (24th April 2004 - Stealth, Nottingham) - I think this was another short set. It didn't feel it, they were one of the most hyperactive bands I've ever seen.
Pixies (4th June 2004 - Brixton Academy, London) - This was fantastic don't get me wrong. But having to sit was a real downer. Had a great view mind. There was one fantastic moment during Vamos when Dave Lovering lobbed a drumstick to the hand of Joey Santiago, a good 20 feet away, an almost Jonty Rhodes-esque piece of fielding, without dropping the beat. They probably rehearsed this a hundred times but I DON'T CARE.
Champion Kickboxer (6th July 2004 - The Lescar, Sheffield) - I think this one was the single launch for the glorious Like Him + Her + Her + Me single. This was when they were at the peak of their powers, when they straddled the line between the prog and the pop (which they seem to have dispensed with these days, sadly). They were simply fantastic, and this is one of the few instances I've ever witnessed of a genuine encore (ie. not one that is "expected"). I think it took about 5 minutes of chanting and hollering, but eventually we got The Waltz. And it was good.
Hot Club de Paris (21st July 2005 - The Cricketer's Inn, Sheffield) - This was after a Balor Knights gig and I'm not ashamed to say we got thoroughly blown off stage, even with a double bass amp setup. Highly technical and massively fun. They were funny guys too, what with being Scousers and all that
Animal Collective (3rd November 2007 - New Century House, Manchester) - This was not what I was expecting at all. I was expecting a Strawberry Jam/Grass-heavy set, but they actually played a few early versions of songs from Merriweather Post Pavillion. It was a very techy, if that makes sense, I think I saw Avey pick up a guitar once. The throbbing beats just jarred beautifully with the surroundings. Bit of a bizarre venue, it's sort of like a traditional-looking conference hall, and from when I went through the lobby to the opening strains of This Lamb Sells Condos by Final Fantasy over the PA, I *knew* awesomeness was in store.
Uhnellys (2006 or 2007 I think - Shoreditch, London) - Another Balor Knights gig, and another band from Japan. Derecene (their touring buddies) were also great, but it's this band that I remember most. They were a bit like Melt Banana but 1000% more visceral. They had a guy on stage who was tasked with pushing effects pedals, and boy, he did this with aplomb. He jumped around like he was being electricuted. I think they lasted about 15 terrifying minutes before management pulled the plug.
Plans & Apologies/My Pyschoanalyst (25th October 2008 - The Royal, Nottingham) - So sad, and yet so great. The last ever Pandaz appearance. But the first time I'd seen the new 5-piece My Psych. I don't know what it was, because they were never particularly languid as a threesome, but as a five they were pure fucking rocket fuel. And P&A didn't disappoint either, I think they played for 90 minutes, an epic set for a "local band" (apologies for the perjorative term, like so many, they should have been fucking massive). Ex-members of the band shuffled on and off the stage, and the 7-piece (I think) finale was just fantastic. They were unique, and they were too good for us.
Dananananaykroyd (17th November 2008 - The Harley, Sheffield) - Ah to be honest, I only put this one on to make it a round thirteen. A good gig, mind. I had to leave before the end to catch my bus. The "wall of hug" was fun and amusing.

Fuck Mario!

2009-04-12T13:07:00.004+01:00

I had a Recession (capital R) dream last night. Well, in a roundabout way. It was a bit of a geeky one mind. I dreamt that some disgruntled ex-Nintendo employees released a low key, lawsuit-bating Wii game called 'Fuck Mario!'.

What would the plot of this game be, I wonder...

*Join Mario as he downscales his plumbing business, in the face of cheaper competition from Eastern Europe!

*Mario must find the right words to say, when laying off his brother and co-worker of many years... with hilarious consequences!

*Mario embarks on a No Win No Fee adventure, after slipping on a platform that "shouldn't have been there"

*Mario eats a bad mushroom.

Ages 4+

You've Seen Demolition Man, That's What Is Going To Happen

2009-01-06T18:52:00.004Z

Some Keynesian motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill

I overheard an inspired conversation today at the barber's, between cutter and cuttee, who worked in the finance sector. The money man was explaining the possible ramifications of a laissez faire policy towards banking regulations in the current climate (or something, money talk makes me switch off). Consumer confidence, he said, increases in those banks with a more 'stable' reputation, and so they become dominant, which makes them even more 'safe'. The opposite occurs in those with rocky foundations. The barber paused mid-snip;

"so it's a bit like Demolition Man, in the future, where every single restaurant is a Taco Bell?"

I think this might be the closest I've ever got to understanding economics. Also, I've developed a new found respect for Wesley Snipes and his sage-like powers of premonition.

I do love a good eavesdrop.

Why Eye?

2009-01-05T19:44:00.005Z

Sometimes I get these migraines in my right eye. During these episodes, it feels like my eye is half-submerged in a tumultuous goldfish bowl. If I ignore it and carry on with whatever activity triggered the migraine, it spreads to my left eye. This can make walking, driving and, well almost anything else rather difficult. The only way to deal with them is to hold tight and ride it out.

My mum used to get migraines all the time. I just assumed 'migraine' was a euphemism for "shut up you're annoying me". I was pretty annoying as a child. I asked a lot of questions. I don't ask a lot of questions these days. I don't think question-asking and migraine-immunity are interrelated.

It's just the way things are.

Also on my right eye I have this tiny weird scar. I see what looks like a small dot connected to a faint line, drawn in a very shaky hand. Like a tadpole, rendered on teletext. I regularly self-examine my eye in the mirror, and I see nothing. It's not directly in my field of vision, but to the right and below. It can be quite distracting and annoying.

I worry about the state of my eye health. I worry about a lot of things.

Whilst I was making my way back to work in the biting cold today, I was hollered at by some knuckle-scraper hanging out of the 'luxury apartments' across the road (the ones with the serious negative equity, which as a rent-payer made me feel a little smug). He shouted "Gary Oldman" at me. I must say being compared to the distinguished actor-director is okay in my book. The third in a trilogy of obscure heckles, I have also recently been compared to Ryu ("Shoriuken" - or was it Ken?), and "a poof". I worry about the state of the nation's eye health. I worry about a lot of things.

Sharpe

2008-01-27T23:44:00.001Z

Sharpe. Sharpe is fucking class. I could give you a bunch of reasons why, culturally speaking, Sharpe is a thousand times greater than Swan Lake.... and I'm going to.

1) Harris, the singularly-monikered intellectual of the riflemen. Be sure, if there's ever a moment whereby Sharpe needs to tell someone to bugger off, be sure that Harris will piss him off by generally being a multi-lingual supergenius. Also, he looks like Ray Parlour's dad.
2) Dan Hagman, the Yorkshire-bred poacher with an eagle-eye and a good ear for a tune. In fact, he's so on the spot with the knees up I often wonder if he's been sent the advance copy of Bert Weedon's Play In A Day. Never plays Freebird though. Fucker.
3) And let's not go near Lieutenant Leprechaun.
4) The plot in every episode is exactly the same. Sharpe gets assigned to some stiff-nosed prick hot out of officer's school, always in a damn hurry to give the frogs a rodgering, thrashing, whatever. Inevitably they never take his advice, and he has to Jack Bauer it off to save the fucking day, again.
5) Brilliant revisionism; e.g. when "invent" hand grenades to defend some fort. In a later scene Harris beats Darwin to the punch with his improvised after-dinner speech on the origin of species.
6) Every fight scene ends with someone being kicked square in the balls.

Best programme with Ray Parlour's dad ever.

Portus Verdict: PPPPP

Swan Lake

2008-01-21T16:43:00.000Z

I feel that it is first necessary to note that the nature of this review may be slightly affected by the previous night's events. It's a subtle alteration in tone, but worth mentioning.

Act 1 begins five minutes prior to the start of the performance and your narrator is in the Lyceum toilets trying and failing to make himself throw up. Someone decided that dry retching in the Lyceum toilets is a new cultural low, which is why Melvyn Bragg arrived to award me with a golden plaque and give me a three-part featurette on ITV4. After giving him a wedgie I left the Lyceum until the first interval, as they have some rule, guideline, whatever, whereby I can't stumble in half cut and holler stuff at the ushers. Political correctness GONE MAD.

Act 2 - I reckon that I can handle sitting in the Gods now, though this requires me to endure ULTIMATE VERTIGO, which would have been stomach turning enough were it not for the fact that all of the male cast wore extremely thin tights and nothing else. The limited denier of said garments meant in reality that my theatre experience involved looking at bare arse. For two hours. There wasn't even equal opportunity going on as NONE of the women wore peep-hole brassieres.

Act 3 - Look, the plot made no sense, the dancing was boring and the only enjoyment was to be had by watching the orchestra, who were, pretty good. Kudos to the cymbal bloke, he bashed those motherfuckers with the simple joy of a small child compressing two halves of a banana sandwich. Yes I was that child. Oh and the swan didn't die at the end, they changed it. They fucking Disneyfied the fuck out of it.

Portus verdict: PPPPP